With this new project of mine, I found a new
diversion obsession. I spent my time brainstorming skit ideas, practicing my spiel (that I wish I was clever enough to have written, but was actually written by a very talented friend of a friend,) and being entertained by the other wannabe travel show hosts. Once I posted the video, I spent my days sizing up the competition and being that annoying person on Facebook who asks everyone for votes day after day.
It’s a good thing the real professionals didn’t post their videos until after I posted mine, or I would have been way too intimidated to follow through. There were some excellent, high quality submissions by experienced and talented TV personalities.
It was the perfect distraction from dentistry, just what I needed: a lot of hope and dreams of new possibilities.
It’s funny how our minds can trick us into thinking certain beliefs. When I originally started the process, I was sure I had no chance of winning. As the days went by, I started to convince myself that maybe, just maybe, I had a chance. I was pretty delusional, but the daydreaming and desperation of finding a ticket out of dentistry was enough to brainwash me. It was like dreaming about winning the lottery, imagining how my life would be, just grasping for a moment to escape the life I was living. It felt so good to get a break, even if just for a moment, and even if it was all in my head.
Between rushing to get the video done because I misunderstood the deadline rules, and ongoing camera/Mac compatibility issues, I came up with a sort of dodgy video. The friend wrote it for me with an edgy, sarcastic spin; a John Stewart-inspired humor. Watching myself kind of makes me cringe, but in the spirit of things I’ll share it anyway.
Newsflash: I didn’t win.
I was surprised to experience a sadness and sense of loss when the contest ended. I had become so wrapped up in the idea that I might find a change, that I suddenly felt hopeless again. And now my fun distraction from the day-to-day headaches was gone. I was like the girl who knowingly falls for the “play-ah” and then gets hurt when she finds out he’s “dating” other women. I knew what I was getting myself into, but the daydream overpowered the reality.
After a few days of feeling sorry for myself I reminded myself of my original intentions going in to this project. It wasn’t to become the Paradise Hunter. It was to open doors. And several doors did open for me. The first was my door to the world. I put myself out there for everyone to see. This shy little girl who used to cry at the circus because she thought the clowns were laughing at her wasn’t hiding anymore. (Really, I did that.)
It also opened the door to Imaginationland. (Sorry, South Park joke. The Crest Cavity Creeps even have a cameo in Part 3 of the trilogy. Anyone remember “we make holes in teeth”?) Anyway, it allowed me to bring some creativity back into my life, something I felt had been missing for a long time; something I longed for because without it, I felt empty.
Most importantly, it opened the door to create that energy shift that I was hoping for. I decided that since I couldn’t officially hunt for paradise on a TV show, I could still do it on my own… and I started this little blog.